In times like these, where fear, chaos, sorrow and confusion are a daily occurrence life tends to become very serious. Whilst life is to be taken serious since we only have one, it is also to be enjoyed, create, innovate and be happy, right?
Well, here is the conundrum: how do we sustain inner stability, balance, happiness and creativity whilst giving our best in life? Best in performance at work, in sports, hobbies, in relationships, as parents and in the community? Quite a big ask, I found.
Being a responsible adult and member of the community takes courage, accountability and energy. Keeping up with the daily responsibilities and tasks often feels like it takes all hours the day has, thereby requiring our full attention and focus for every minute of it. This can sometimes carry a heavy energy, it's all about getting all the chores done and the tasks ticked off the list.
After all there are demands on us from all around that we must keep up with in order to be .... what exactly? Accepted, recognised as a good human, respected and even loved? Looking at life through this lens becomes very easily very overwhelming and that is even without any tragedies life throws at us anyway such as health issues our own and those of loved ones, money worries, job security and relationship issues. Many describe is as the proverbial hamster wheel. You get on it and it just doesn't stop. Instead you just have to start running faster and faster.
What happened to that little girl/boy in you that used to pop up at the most inappropriate times to have a bit of fun, naughtiness and banter? Do you wonder where and how it got lost?
The thing is life just carries us away and if we are not careful we get sucked into this void of the hamster wheel. Giving us the illusion of not having any choices, when actually that is exactly what gives this thought the meaning that there truly aren't any options.
What caused this inner child of yours to hide? Was it the sudden increased responsibility that came with the job you chose as well as the family and standard of living to go with it which pushed back that little person more and more. Until it decided to stay in hiding.
Often in our coaching sessions we reflect on these questions in order to become aware of the moments where the appearance of the inner child would be helpful. Such moments might be when we are facing new challenges or changes. Looking through the non-judgmental and curious eyes of that inner child in situations that are new creates a state of flexibility and an openness for growth. Rather than being the adult that has seen all the risks and problems that can potentially happen.
Watch children and find out if they solve the same problem with only one solution or if each child solves the same problem with different solutions and they are all equally as valid. Perhaps not with the exact same outcome, nevertheless valid and solved.
Have you ever watched children and their dedication and passion they have when they choose to do something like create a sand castle, paint a picture, role play. They are creative, passionate, innovative and determined. Above all they have masses of fun and make friends in the process.
The child on the swing is first fearful of getting on the swing, then about what might happen if it swings too high before it still goes for it and belly laughs of joy whilst swinging higher and higher and loosing all fear, trusting the process and their own abilities.
In relationships the world can become quite black and white if the spontaneity, curiosity and creativity gets lost. The relationships becomes transactional rather than relatable. Never is there room for hoppala's and belly laughs, dances around the kitchen, cake fights and other sorts of childishness. Instead the focus is always on the next thing that needs doing but isn't that how it has to be?
At work it is similar the daily tasks are all consuming and when an extra project or thing to do comes along it adds to the chores. Making it all very full on and predictable but not so much fun. We have to get things done. It is just what we do and there is no space for extras. There just isn't enough time, never!* *Notice the language in the last two paragaphs - they are full with mind traps such as: black and white, never, always, needs doing, but, has to be.
How about we change perspective and allow our inner child out to deal with some of these situations. What would be different?
More than ever I noticed the increase in clients coming to me confused. Confused about where they have ended up versus where they want to be at this point in their journey. Confused also about what they are meant to do, supposed to be and where they want to go. Some simply describe it as brain fog and some even question if they are heading towards depression.
I believe the turmoil in the outside world with the backdrop of world politics and economics certainly is not helping and is a big driver for many to question their own integrity, impact and path. Also, people generally like to review and/or adjust their plans in the middle of the year to take stock about where they are heading.
My dear friend Leo Hawkins described this state lovingly as the human hurricane in his book: the thief who wants to be a police man. The question is: How do we get away from this brain fog created by being part of the hurricane in our life and pull ourselves from there into the eye of the storm?
The importance of bringing ourselves into the eye of that hurricane is that we are then able to see what's spinning around us rather than being part of the thick of the storm. It is the first step to understand what it is that we are dealing with. Now we are in a conundrum! Even though we are sitting in the calm of the storm, we are still confused. Confused by the sheer volume of choice about what is flying around us, waiting to be dealt with! That thought in itself can evoke quite a stressful reaction in the body.
So here is a question for you: How do you actually know what you truly value in this very moment of sitting in the eye of the storm? Is it a gut instinct or a reaction, that makes you decide what you pick to deal with and bring into the eye of the storm? Often in these extreme situations our survival brain kicks in and the choices we make are protective choices that may not necessarily be the most effective choices for moving your life towards where you want to be. These instinctive choices may keep you safe, but they don't move you on.
To combat this we can take step two. Once we see what is flying around us, is to check if any of these items are actually of value to us. Value in terms of getting us the biggest benefit around where we want to be or head towards in life. The term life here includes every aspect of ourselves: work and personal and everything else you might consider part of your life's components.
There is however a very useful process of establishing your core values that I work through with my clients. This process is both instinctive and reflective. It is enlightening and challenging. It also goes deep because it requires you to make choices for yourself about how to think, behave and what decisions to make. The process consists of four parts in total. The end result is an in depth knowledge of your 8 values and 4 core values which reveals where your likes, dislikes, boundaries and preferences at this point in life lie.
Let's have a look at part one: What actually are your values? By values I mean things you don't want your life to be without. Go ahead now and name eight words that declare your values. You can get really creative with this if you want a bit of fun. For example: imagine you are baking a cake with eight different flavours. For that you simply draw a circle (your cake) and divide it into eight pieces. Then you put the name of each value on the top of each slice of your cake (the circle you drew). Or alternatively you could simply draw or cut out images and/or words from a magazine and stick them on a piece of paper or board.
So there you have it! That's the first part for you and what do you do with that now? You know which values you want to bake but you have no idea yet how and what ingredients you need to actually bake this delicious, mouthwatering and unique cake.
Part two involves figuring out the ingredients for each of your pieces. In other words you look at the words one at the time and think what makes them become alive. Let's say you have chosen "Respect" as one of your words. Now you define what this means to you - so what are your ingredients. This could be the tone of your voice, or not interrupting when someone is speaking. It could be looking at someone, when they speak rather than looking at the phone or carrying on the task you have been doing. Or making space for an older person to sit down in your seat on a train and so on. You get the idea. Remember, it is about the fulfillment in an ideal world and not a gratitude exercise!
Essentially, it is what in an ideal world you want to think, see, hear, do on a daily basis that makes up this word/value. Including the frequency and amount. So for example: how many times do you want your partner to cook for you in the week that you know s/he values you or loves you? Does it include washing up etc.... Yes, it is vital you go to that detail as only then will you learn all about your expectations and boundaries in the process.
Doing it as thoroughly helps with the third part of the process the elicitation of your four core values. Clients have said to me after the second part, now I know what really matters to me and are assuming they know their core values at this point. Once we then work through the third part, the elicitation together the clients are often surprised by the outcome. A lot of light bulb moments go on at this stage because all of a sudden it becomes clear where things got stuck.
In the fourth part you reflect on decisions you have made, conflicts you may have at work or in your private life and you check where there might have been a clash in values that have caused issues. Coming back to our place in the eye of the storm it is now easy to choose and pick items to deal with first that are aligned with your values in life.
With this knowledge you are able to choose with purpose what you bring into the eye of the storm. You become aware what your priorities on a daily bases are. It'll help you make decisions in line with who you want to show up as in life and you will also notice in conflict situations that not everyones values mean the same. You'll find out that things aren't always black and white. There are also grey zones. Peopel are individual and interpret/understand words equally as individual. What I am saying is many people have respect high their valueslist but every single one of these people will have a different interpretation and expextation about what this means in daily life. Our values aren't static. They change throughout our lives. Therefore it is vital to pay a visit to values at least every three to five years.
How cool is that? Well, from experience I can say that this process certainly has helped many of my clients to become clear about who they want to show up as and what they want to do next to get there. As a result of their own clarity they have become more confident, happier, better leaders, parents and partners.
I am very curious to hear your thoughts on this article and I look forward to hearing from you.
Unmanaged stress has become one of the major contributors to permanent illness. It is also a major factor for its impact on workplace wellness as well as the economy. The electronic revolution, the economic downturn and modern society has become very fast through recent advancements and the pandemic. Technology now supports a 24/7 availability culture.
As a result more and more people feel under pressure, finding it hard to prioritise their energy. Thus it feels like there are not enough hours in the day. For some reason this time of year enhances and speeds up an already hyped energy. We often call it the winter blues and apportion it to seasonal stress.
Below are 12 exquisite tips to combat winter blues and seasonal stresses at a level that makes it a healthy driver rather than a poisonous cocktail:
For those of you who are interested in what I mean exactly with each of these points, I have explained them in a little detail and with examples. So please read on and let me know what you think.
Diversion of focus may also well be a form of distraction of whatever is adding to feeling uptight and getting you worked up.
For example: A smoker or chocoholic trying to kick the habit you might feel increasingly uptight if you keep your focus on how much you miss a cigarette or a piece of chocolate.
How would you divert or distract yourself from the thought of cigarettes or chocolate at this point?
Distraction examples: An activity that keeps your hands and mind occupied such as crossword puzzles, a training walk with your dog, board games, sports, de-cluttering, painting, playing an instrument gardening…. I am sure you get the idea 😉
Energy blockages are a result of ongoing unhelpful thinking pattern or language, which leads to negative emotions and action. Anxiety is compound or contracted energy resulting from negative emotion such as fear of something we think might be happening in the future.
The negative self-talk (also known as thinking) can sound something like:
I CAN’T do this. This will NEVER work. I am ALWAYS doing this WRONG. I really want to do this BUT I just can’t. I MUST get this done today. I HAVE TO…. I SHOULD …. I’ll TRY…..
Using these and other similar words in our thinking, self-talk or when speaking invites doubt to creep in and knocks the wind out of our sails. Our energy starts to fade.
We are often totally unaware of our own mind traps (see words in bold above). The mood tracker below helps identify the ones we use most often. Once we realise which ones we are using we can support ourselves by saying things like:
When you start practising these different ways of thinking notice how the language impacts your body and mind in an uplifting and dynamic way.
The simplest way of recognising opportunities that have come your way is by tracking your experiences and moods by journalling (written or spoken / recorded).
Tracking your mood, results and thoughts help identify pattern, when you are going round in circles or experiencing disempowering situations as well as opportunities for finding successful approaches. Breaking not useful habits or stopping behaviour becomes easier once we read and recognise what we do from the records in the journal.
Then pick one pattern from your journal and ask yourself:
Working through this process in that way allows to recognise opportunities rather than take defeat. It is just learning, no failure, rather a new opportunity to help me on the journey.
Setting a new behavioural goal releases and activates Dopamine in the brain which affects the ability to feel pleasure.
Let’s pretend we are in an amateur dramatic group. The role is to imagine being overjoyed with happiness with all our senses. Imagine what it would be like to feel overjoyed with happiness. Live it in your mind’s eye and notice what happens in your body.
Now play a number of other roles. Observe what else happens when we feel positive emotions such as love, joy, fun and excitement. Scientifically, we know that energy expands which in turn allows all energy channels in the body to be open and free flowing. Just like a bubbling river on a summer’s day.
Feel into your body and notice how these shifts are taking place. Close your eyes and take your time to fully experience the feeling of energy contracting and expanding with every breath.
Then in contrast recall a sad moment that you may have experienced in the past. Don’t dwell on it too long, just notice what is happening in your body while you do so. Then immediately imagine a moment where you have been very excited and felt loved – experience that feeling now.
Have you ever noticed how your mood changes when you are around water? Watching a little well or waterfall, standing by a beach and watching the waves collapse or paddling in a little pool of water…
Water helps in many ways, writes Elaine Aron. When over aroused, keep drinking it, a big glass of it once an hour. Walk beside some water, look at it and listen to it. Get into some if you can for a bath or a swim. Hot tubs and hot springs are popular for good reason.
Keep hold of these positive feelings and store them somewhere in your mind where you know they are safe and where you can go back to them any time you like just by snipping your fingers.
Take a moment to remember what YOUR reason for living is.
When a friend of mine was experiencing severe depression she felt worthless. Then in one of our conversations we talked about her family, her children, grandchildren, godchildren and pets, as well as her garden. We looked at what my friend adds to their lives and what is going on in her mind, when she is there for each of these people and living organism.
In talking, she realised that recently she has not been seeing her grandchildren, godchildren and her pet had been at the vets for a while. With winter approaching, she was unable to spend any time out in her beloved garden. All of a sudden she realised that not looking after all of these things has left a big gap in her life and that looking after them in her own way is the reason that she feels fulfilled and happy. So she decided to make a list of all her reasons for living.
The purpose of telling you this story is to point your awareness to the fact that we all have situations in our past where we have done great things, took excellent decisions, overcame fears and overachieved on something. So we have done it once, yes? We know, we can do it, we know we have done it in the past and so there is no reason not to do it again!
Other people's achievements can also bolster your courage, and remembering your own can do the same.
Remembering when you have dealt with a similar situation successfully in the past not only shows you that you have the resources within you to deal with this situation (because you have done so successfully in the past, right?). They also show you that nothing bad happened as a result of you taking this step. Rather, things most likely got heaps better for you after taking the step you took then.
So from that, you know that you can do it again! Just remember how you felt after you have taken action. Even if you can’t get to these resources right now, in this moment. You know they are there and it is within your own power to call on them whenever you are ready for it and need to.
Remember the Pygmalion effect says: if you expect the worst – you get it. In other words: What you focus on persists. Words, ideas and beliefs shape our daily lives – so choose to get out of victim mode, you can be creative and do it.
On mornings that I wake up with a nauseating knot of anxiety in my stomach, everything seems overwhelming. Getting myself to the bathroom to brush my teeth feels like I'm running a triathlon in the heat of the summer! So I don't attempt the triathlon. The only thing I have to worry about is getting my left foot down on the ground. Then my right one. Then I have to stand.
I'll look at my to-do list and cross off two thirds. Then I ask myself: "What single thing on this list is what gets me closer to where I want to be?" Everything else can wait. Then I start with the first thing and do the first mini-movement that I am able to do in order to accomplish that.
Take one day, one hour, one Minute at the time. All you have to do is get through now and the next small period.
Everyone has things in their lives that they can appreciate and be grateful for. Electricity, water, heating, roof above our heads, food and all of it in abundance for starters.... Saying “Thank you” out aloud every day manifests the good in your life. The “law of attraction” explains how this can attract even more abundance in your life.
So go ahead and practise one thank you every day and see what happens. Notice the little things that contribute to your life well lived and recognise its beauty. It’ll help you with getting this left foot in front of the right throughout the day.
At any point throughout the day that you may struggle, take a few minutes out, close your eyes, breathe and gently let the world disappear. Then go within to focus on what you are grateful for. Soon you’ll regain equilibrium.
When I became a non-smoker, it was helpful to identify the “man holes”. Those times I most enjoyed lighting up lung rockets: in the morning with my coffee, in the afternoon with my coffee, in the car on the way home from work and in the evening with my coffee and a Chocolate bar.
I made a note of these times on my "dysfunction page" in my journal with suggestions of activities to replace the cigarettes. In the morning I began eating cereal and grapefruit, which doesn’t really go well with a cigarette! I bought a tape to listen to in the car. An afternoon walk replaced the 3:00 smoke break. I decided that I would do some mediation instead of having the cigarette whenever I felt under pressure and previously would have reached for my “cigies”.
There is a beautiful poem by Jon Adler called Awareness that beautifully describes the purpose of this tip.
I walk down the street; there is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost…. I am helpless. It isn’t my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again. I can’t believe I’m in the same place, but it isn’t my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in… it is a habit. My eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.
I walk down another street.
This is your chance to be a model! How? Well ... instead of modelling cloths and accessories you’ll be modelling behaviours and mindsets. Ready?
Think about someone who has been through what you are experiencing and how they conquered this particular part in their life?
So for example: You are starting out your new business, aside from getting someone who makes you accountable for your actions, you would first get a biography of a person that has been extremely successful doing so (i.e. Richard Branson). Find out exactly how they did it and then apply the same techniques and tactics your hero did.
Sounds like fun, doesn’t it?
Don’t worry – you don’t need to brag to anyone other than yourself! Here is my story from when I first moved to England with my then five year old daughter. I didn’t know anyone other than my husband, only spoke tourist English, didn’t have a job to go to, nor a school for my girl and didn’t know how to get around London. I felt like a little ant alone in the desert!
I felt excited but also very lonely, low. Then I realised that I was starting to lose my self-esteem. So I decided to start talking to people, doing little things for them like having their kids for dinner, offering to help the neighbour carry their shopping, look after people’s pets while they were away or cultivate the shared garden.
By talking to people I found out about further education available to me which I took up. As a result my confidence grew quickly.
When you are at such a low point in your confidence/esteem levels as I was then, this outside affirmation becomes your elixir until you have cemented your esteem hard enough to find it from within.
Now every time, in periods when I feel low or doubt myself I pull out my confidence journal or brag file that I collected over time and I am soon again back to my full confidence.
What goes in your confidence journal or brag file, as I lovingly call it?
Take a conscious, cleansing breath and remember it is the portal into life! What is the first thing we do when we arrive on this earth? Breathing is your life line and the most important part of transforming your life and we so often ignore its importance.
Breathing releases endorphins and oxygen to all cells in the body that help circulation, keeps the mind clear, makes us feel happy, look good and feel even stronger and more confident. It revitalises and energises every cell of your body, thus making us more resilient and allows us to stay grounded.
What is the strongest motivators for peak performance in the professional world? According to some research these are: Purpose, passion and a value of contribution which are supported by clear goals regularly.
Twelve-step groups use this method of accountability to keep people sober and on the recovery wagon. People have a sponsor, a mentor or coach to teach them the program, to guide them toward physical, mental, and spiritual health.Several people served as my accountability partners throughout the years. For example: Katie (my coach & mentor), my doctors, my yoga teacher and my daughter. They are in my daily “thank yous” allowing me to have them around.
People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily. Zig Ziglar
...by the beautiful and good in this city.... (#Robbie Williams)
In recent years I had the opportunity to explore my artistic talent by creating abstract mixed media paintings. It's extremely rewarding, therapeutic and exciting because you discover and learn something new all the time! By the beginning of this year I had quite a collection of various art pieces, having already gifted my family and friends with some hand crafted presents from me. Yes, great but also not so great, if they didn't like them and didnt tell me! 😉 Anyway, I decided to apply to exhibit my work in order to get some feedback and perhaps learn something.
Promptly, my application has been accepted and so there I was exhibiting my pieces. It was great! An amazing group of talented artists allowed me to be part of their group. The two days went in a flash as visitors and art lovers strolled through the various stands. Quite a lot of people stopped and shared their views about what they saw, bought pieces and shared their own stories with me - it was just fab.
Something that is incredibly exciting, are the various perspectives, stories and emotions people have when looking at pieces of art. It got me thinking about how we all are looking at / listening to / doing one and the same thing, yet every single one interprets what they see, hear and do differently. Quite honestly this reminds me of looking at a blank canvas and deciding which colours or mediums to use for which story. The colours and mediums representing the interpretations and misunderstandings that actually create the story. Just like in any story, then perhaps, sometimes we are even actually trying to interpret or be misunderstood in order to provoke?
This observation made me curious about how this interacts with misunderstanding and being misunderstood.
How do misunderstandings show up?
Well, misunderstandings show up everywhere and anywhere. Take a simple situation with children for example. An adult (parent or other) is educating a child about the importance of being organised. The adult explains what they think is quite clear and unmistakable. In the child's head thought the adult was speaking a language that did not correlate with their own experience. Therefore the brain of the child migh interpret the request or task as a completely different one than the adult thought they asked for. A lot of the time misunderstandings go unnoticed initially. So in this example the adult would assume the child understood what is required because the child doesn't say otherwise. The misunderstanding in this case is either not detected at this point or it is purposefully hidden it then escalates some time later in conflict.
A similar example would be at work between team members. When one team member has a conversation with their peer and in the process thinks s/he has been clear that the help of the other is required to complete a particular task. Both get on with their daily work and a week later they meet again and team member one asks team member two how s/he is doing with that task. Team member two is stunned because s/he did not hear support is required and interpreted the meeting more of a sounding borad for her/his colleague. Alternatively, team member two might purposefully have misinterpreted the request because her/his levels of work were so high that s/he was unable to offer support. Since the request was not made clearly in the eyes of the receiver team member two choose to interpret the request in to her/him more achievable way.
A further example is between partners. One partner points out some boundaries that have been crossed between them (which ever they might be) i.e. one says he is going to be away all weekend and the other asks for him/her to return at a certain time so they could go to out together. Partner one goes off merrily on their weekend and does not return until the end of the weekend. Partner two is hurt and feels disrespected.
Misunderstandings really happen every day and everywhere with everyone. Here is how they happen...
Assumptions often made
First of all, let's be real here. Interpreting situations, people and things how we want to see them or as a misunderstanding happen all the time and at some point to all of us, right?
So if this is the case what are the underlying assumptions we are making that gets us in this situation? They might be thoughts like:
Imagine for one minute what would happen if we dropped each of these assumptions and just presented ourselves as a blank canvas. What do you think would happen?
Consequences
The stakes are quite high when misunderstandings get overlooked, are placed purposefully or are ignored. What we see as a result or a consequence of a misunderstanding is conflict, unhelpful arguments, anger, judgment, hurt, pain, relationship break downs, loss of productivity, burn out, financial loss und more.
It's not all bad though, because on the contrary, when awareness is sharpened and we can detect misunderstandings at source they can become a source of enrichment, innovation and inspiration.
Summary
We are learning that misunderstandings are just as faceted as an abstract painting. It is our instinct to take what is in front of us and translate it to reflect our own story. Every interpretation simple is only one perspective of many.
it happens all the time and if we miss the opportunity to raise the awareness, clarify or learn more about the other perspective, it can become a great cause for confusion and heart ache.
Sharpening our presence (being in the moment with the other person) and enquiring with genuine interest are tools that help us get the best out of these situations.
Advent, the pre-Christmas period has started and with it we see activity levels rising everywhere we look. Children are getting excited, adults are getting ready for the celebrations and social engagements are rising dramatically during this period of time.
In addition to the festive period the end of the year is also very close. This is adding additional pressure to people, especially at work. It is a particularly frantic time which is very ironic, given that Advent also is meant to be a silent time. I wonder what is it for you … chaotic or calm… and where is the balance?
For me this time is a beautiful metaphor for the struggle I see many of my clients working through all throughout the year, not only at this special time before Christmas. It is the struggle of finding the ideal personal balance between chaos and calm that ignites the personal equilibrium, the unleashing of potential that lies within each of us, the personal power or some might call it their inner peace.
Here in this article we are finding out:
1. What is equilibrium
You might be more familiar with the term work life balance than personal equilibrium. The first has been widely known for years to describe a way of creating a healthy way of life, whilst showing up as the best version of one self.
According to the Oxford English dictionary the definition of equilibrium is :a state of intellectual or emotional balance especially between opposing forces or influences: any disturbance to the body’s state of equilibrium can produce stress or : a calm state of mind and a balance of emotions: He sat down to try and recover his equilibrium.
Both of these definitions suggest finding a balance between two forces which enable an ideal outcome on an intellectual and emotional level.
You might find the above terms quite abstract, academic or theoretical. However, if I asked you to think of a person that impressed you with their presence or perhaps you might call it charisma, who would you think of? What is it, when you now think of them that draws you to them? Or, even better, perhaps you can even think of a situation where you yourself have found yourself in this place?
It is the sense of calm dynamic or a sense of confidence, perhaps even an impression of knowing trust. A place where happiness can be fulfilled from the inside out without requiring external triggers or stimulants.
Well, all that would describe a state of personal equilibrium.
2. Why is it important to find this state of equilibrium?
I am sure you have seen many people around you struggling with these conflicting times of uncertainty. Perhaps you even have been there yourself.
When continuously acting from a state of chaos over a long period of time, being overwhelmed is often a side effect which causes a massive mental challenge to cope with everyday situations. Healthy cortisol levels of stress tip over into the dangerous levels. Often causing anxiety and sometimes depression. On a behavioural level it means that confidence levels drop drastically and self-deprivation often manifests in lack of sleep which then in turn creates a lack of concentration.
This is not to say that chaos can’t act as a stimulus.
Imagine you would be always in a total state of calm, which sounds very enticing indeed… doesn’t it? What would life be like for you in that state of total calm? Do you think you would fulfil all your potential if you were to live in total calm?
Being in total calm all the time utilises only a certain part of the brain, which means the other part is dormant during this time. Now that might well work for some people. The cost of living at total calm is that there might not be any progression of any kind. Whilst we need space and time for innovation and creativity. We also require chaos to inspire the mind, which in turn stimulates creativity and innovation.
Hence, finding the sweet spot between chaos and calm, the state of personal equilibrium, allows you to draw on the strengths of both of these states. We have the choice…. Everyone’s state of equilibrium is different and it also changes throughout life depending on how well we manage all the parts.
3. What does it look like
Some of the attributes of a person living in their personal state of equilibrium were already mentioned in 1) above such as confidence, charisma and trust.
Other attributes are showing empathy, compassion towards self and others, an interest in what is going on around oneself, understanding triggers, strengths, boundaries and the ability to clearly communicate these in neutral assertiveness as well as understanding own needs and aspirations, whilst taking care of them. You might also find that people at ease walk through life with a lightness, almost appearing fearless. They are intrigued and not afraid of showing their vulnerability, when they feel it is appropriate. They inspire others with their humility and effortless drive.
Sounds like a lot? After all we are human and as such are never going to be perfect. Indeed, it is a lot, and the beauty is that it is absolutely possible to achieve, as we see in people like Buddha and Queen Elizabeth II and many others. I am sure you will find your own role models that work for you.
4. How we can discover this place in ourselves?
So where do you find this personal equilibrium amongst everything else that is frantically happening out there? That’s the big question. Where in your life do you have balance, where calm and where is the chaos?
The pandemic world has actually given us an opportunity to reassess and realise, how we live our lives. Virtual and hybrid working has become standard in many organisations. We are no longer talking about the term work life balance in a post pandemic world. The lines have been diluted and so the need for personal clarity is much greater.
On top of that there are all those old patterns and learned behaviours, which are in us from our upbringing, childhood and surroundings. They originated in times that had much more stability and less chaos than the previous generation has experienced.
We are now heading into the winter with rising energy costs. The cost of living is rising in general. The whole economy is changing completely and amongst all of that, every single one of us is trying to figure out how to live a life of balance! It is a very challenging environment indeed to stay focussed and positive, without getting drawn into the external pull of negativity. Yet, at the same time the attention is not to take the foot off the pedal and feel like being left behind.
There is no doubt that understanding how to be challenged and how to feel fulfilled but equally not to be overstretched or overwhelmed is the key, but how do you find that ideal?
All of the questions below appear when you get clear on how much calm you want in your life and how much chaos would you love to have in your life.
The answers to these questions will give you a great deal of insight into where your personal equilibrium might be. You might also find out what you want to work on in order to get there. The tools section of this edition of the newsletter has a very useful tool that might aid you further to achieving this desired state.
Have fun experimenting with both your chaos and your calm – see where it takes you and let me know how you are getting on.
Over the last 15 years my clients often ask me: “How do I become the best version of myself?”
The question usually comes up after a significant event or situation that has left doubts about themselves. Using the term best here is a two edged sword - begs to ask the question: the best version of whom and through whose eyes?!
This topic is particular prominent now, in the aftermath of the initial hike of the COVID 19 virus, BREXIT and the Ukrainian war, where jobs are more demanding than ever and with cost of living rising incredulously. Companies are reviewing their strategies constantly together with structures, practices and products constantly thus providing a very fast paced, unpredictable, ever changing and demanding environment for its employees.
This in turn puts massive pressures and causes a ripple effect on every person in every situation of life, be it professionally or personally. Irrelevant of which group of people (or in another word: systems) they belong to. It encourages more and more people to strive towards becoming one with themselves in order to ride this wave safely and show up to everyone around them, but most importantly to themselves as the best version of who they can be. I hear the wheels in your brain ticking insanely now trying to work out how to do exactly that.
In this article I look at achieving to become the best best version of yourself in three simple steps:
In addition there is one pre-condition, which is the willingness to show up and commit by putting all efforts into succeeding. I guess, as with everything in life, there are two sides to this coin of becoming the best version of ourselves too.
Ready to give this roller coaster a shot? OK – here we go…
The one side is often painful as well as high in effort but is highly rewarding because gaining clarity means understanding and accepting who you actually, truly are – warts and all, no masks, just plain and raw.
Some folks are quite at peace with who they are at the core of their beingness and might already know that, which is a great first step. I congratulate you to that fantastic achievement. It’s fun to create or even draw a picture of this person you have discovered as a reminder for yourself. You can use all resources available to you to do this - just let your creativity run wild and have fun with it.
For those people who are a little “too busy” to look at themselves, I have a challenging question:
“What are you afraid of finding that you keep yourself so busy and thus avoid looking at it?”
Perhaps, you have chosen to take the easy route. Namely, to plot on because things aren’t so bad really…..and there is nothing wrong with that approach. It just means by doing so you are accepting to forfeit becoming the best version of yourself during this life time. Hence, with it you are also accepting the consequences of this choice – whatever this might look like. For some it might be ending up in a relationship that is mediocre, a job that doesn’t fulfil your needs or perhaps some might even be left feeling a bit disillusioned with life.
So, if you truly want to have a go at finding out more about yourself it is important firstly, to recognise the pattern that you live by. This is easy and highly effective to identify and it is the way to find an opportunity to turn things around. The simple exercise of keeping a reflection diary, ideally on a daily basis, is a fantastic start to pastures new. Please let me know if you feel that you want to know more about how to go about this. Also, the internet is full of examples and templates about it.
Secondly, in this journey to clarity is to figure out what really matters to you in your life, what is really important and therefore becomes a priority? Establishing your personal values is exciting and insightful, as long as you are prepared to invest a little bit of your time and are specific. It’ll enlighten you on so many levels. My clients and I usually create eight terms that capture all that they need to live a happy, fulfilled life. Then in the second step we define each of those terms into specifics of frequency of actions, behaviours, feelings, thinking, types etc. That way we are connecting the values with what is going on to the everyday living. You'll understand more once you get started observing yourself and thinking it through. Once you have that it's time to work through a process that leaves three or maximum four core values.
Knowing and understanding these three or four core values helps with decisions, relationships, conflicts and also the direction we may need to head into.
In summary, given that you work through this expertly, all the while fully accepting who you are and knowing what matters to you, brings a previously unknown clarity to your and your life.
The first step in this journey to your best version is well on the way.
Once you worked thoroughly and properly through your values, you’ll have recognised where and how you are able to look after yourself in a way that strengthens your body and mind in authenticity.
For some people this might be a long walk once a week in mother nature to fill up the resilience tank with energy, vitamins and oxygen. All the while strengthening the body. Others may enjoy a spa treatment or massage, making time to spend with their family members. Alternatively it could be a combination of exercise, meditation, rest, time out alone or with friends. Little things often are very powerful. For example taking a lunch break with a friend, leaning back and listening to your favorite music track or indulging in a cup of hot chocolate.
The people who succeed and have become the best version of themselves know that taking care of their own needs always is the number one priority. They have learned how to use time to create spaces for self-care whilst not taking their egos too seriously. They honour this because they know that the people around them see them, feel their energy, are looking for inspiration and soak it all up.
They take the time to create pictures in their minds about where they themselves want to be in line with what matters to them. Therefore their decisions and actions are always aligned with who and where they want to be.
Only if we are prepared to invest all of this effort and time into gaining clarity and selfcare will we be able to bring alive all of our hidden gems.
Implementing and being the best version of oneself brings with it a number of behaviours:
Remember that we are all human and make mistakes. Mistakes give us the opportunity to grow. Growth only happens if we don't give, rather pick ourselves up and try again perhaps with a little bit of an adjustment.
In summary to be the ”A” Version of yourself requires courage, hard work and drive but the result and outcome of going through this process is the other side of the coin: living a happy and fulfilled life the way you imagined it to be, whilst leaving your legacy of the person you are wherever you go.
Enjoy and have fun – this is the real life roller coaster and much more exciting as any other roller coaster you have ever been on. How amazing is that as a gift?
In times like these trust is one of the staples of our wellbeing. Being able to trust the people we surround ourselves with means we can weather most storms. It gives us hope, strength, motivation, results and energy.
Trust is something that is not automatically there. Neither is it something that stays once we have it – rather the opposite: Trust is constantly challenged. It is created, reinforced or destroyed on a daily basis depending on how we act and think. Sincere trust has a very charismatic energy. So much so, that we sometimes can’t really articulate why we trust a person, we just know we can. We also know, if someone asks us to trust them, but somehow we are not able to do so. Have you ever wondered why this might be?
Let’s take a few moments and stand back to reflect on what happens….
Many times I have witnessed what damage a loss of trust can do for a relationship. This applies to personal life as well as our professional relationships.
If I asked you to think of a situation from your life where you have lost trust in someone.
What comes up in your mind...
.... and what then happened as a result of that lost trust?
I can think of some examples where trust was lost. Here is one that seems to repeat itself over and over again in the world of work: Regularly in coaching sessions I hear how people feel betrayed by their favourite work colleagues. They work together for many years, even become friends and ever so often meet for a drink or share a meal with their families. Then it turns out that over time a bunch of niggly little things have accumulated. None of the two parties seems to think it is necessary to address these niggles. They are just little things in the end of the day and are not worth to rock the boat.
Then something happens, for example: all of a sudden a favourite colleague keeps stepping on the other’s toes by getting involved in things that are really not within their responsibilities. In other words penetrating the other’s client area. Maybe even leaves a not so helpful impression behind at the client.
What happens as a result is through the eyes of the one person it looks and feels like an undermining of their competency. When in fact their favourite colleague merely intended to support the client. Under normal circumstances such a situation would not be an issue. They’d simply keep each other informed about what the situation required them to do to keep the business and client happy. At that time they would both perceive this as helpful and would be happy about it – simply teamwork at its best.
This time it is different. The client complaint about the situation and how it was handled. The complaint landed totally unexpected – a lightning bolt! All of a sudden this topic appears out of nowhere, as no one knew that it existed just because they didn’t inform each other.
It simply was the tip of the iceberg that triggered questions about integrity and respect in my client’s mind. While this was going on, another situation occurred internally, which then intensified this feeling of being played and hey presto: ready is the mind carousel, whereby this sense of undermining or betrayal is intensified. Very quickly all the trust that had been built up over so many years seems to have gone completely.
How on earth did this happen? The colleague was stunned when s/he finally found out! From their perspective there were a few niggles, but not to the extent that s/he felt it was threatening their relationship to become so fragile.
The result of this breakdown of trust in this situation was that a customer was directly affected, which in turn could potentially have an impact on the business result. In addition it also brought up a lot of questions around the notion of respect, integrity and similar value terms. It seemed like there was a lack of clarifity and alignment about boundaries and values.
A further example on a personal level would be the break down of trust in a romantic relationship or marriage following a betrayal – either by meeting another person, behaving in an unexpected way, doing something that the other was not aware of or expected, or by breaking an agreement. The consequence there is often divorce or a painful break up.
So without trust there is no successful team, project, friend or partnership. In fact there is no society without trust.
As a human race we seek safety and want to be liked, wanted and trusted. Our intention in general is to give the best we can and treat others how we want to be treated. Yet, we often don’t trust people, their abilities or even situations.
Why would that be? Some of the reason I often hear are:
Does anything here sound familiar to you? So there are absolute risks associated with trusting other people, situations or processes. To be precise the majority of them might be hidden insecurities and fears.
Trusting in something or someone makes us vulnerable. As a human race we generally don’t feel very comfortable with making ourselves vulnerable. Our dinosaur brain (amygdala) protects us from intruders that might threaten our safety. Fear is the emotion that initiates the dinosaur brain to behave in ways that it knows and has kept us safe over the years to this day. So we keep doing this because we know it works.
Our prefrontal cortex is the part of the brain that learns new behaviours and allows tolerance and courage to apply something we haven’t done before. But because it is new we have to keep practising it over and over again, until the dinosaur trusts the pre frontal cortex (from research up to 3 months if we practice a few times daily). That’s why trust need constant attention to stay and keep flourishing.
Easier said than done – yes, I agree, it is not a quick win but it is soooo worth the effort.
The elements that make up trust are as mentioned in the introduction:
1.Clarity & transparency
People that we trust are very open in their communication. They don’t hold any information or thoughts back and are transparent about their feelings. Meaning they also say if they are feeling uncomfortable with or about a situation. They have the skills to communicate succinctly and to the point without aggression. They show courage and address if they are unclear or unsure about anything and happily hold their hand up and say “I don’t know but I will find out”.
2. Empathy
Understanding how someone else is feeling and appreciating their circumstances. Their behaviour is unbiased, non-judgemental and emotionally intelligent. They are able to see the situation through the eyes of the other person, thereby keeping their own assumptions and filters out. Practising compassion on others and self.
3. Mindset of generosity
This means being able to have the mind flexibility to accept another’s point of view no matter how odd, different or unusual it is. Accepting here means taking it into consideration and learning to understand the intention and background behind this thought/ idea or behaviour. Showing a genuine interest in the person. It also means forgiving if things don’t happen straight away or for the first time.
4. Paying it forward
Means here: allowing the benefit of the doubt and hearing the other person out without judgment and giving trust while you are verifying and checking in. Doing a favour before the other has given you a favour. Doing something without expecting anything back.
5. WoMan of my word (handshake quality)
Doing what we say we are going to do at the time that we said we would do it by. At the same token letting the other know, if we cannot deliver what we promised and communicating what we are able to do instead. Not asking others to do something I myself am not practising.
6. Mindset of Generosity
Having the flexility of mind to accept other perspectives and other people's views of the world as well as their perhaps different interpretations of terms.
Each of these elements is a skill in itself, that can mean many things to many people. They require an agreement for mutual understanding. Enjoy experimenting and let me know what happens.
So for now, I have briefly elaborated on each of the points with further detail available in other newsletters as a topic in its own right. Please do let me know if there is a particular one that you are interested in.
How often in your day to day life are you avoiding difficult conversations, believing the situation will go away and solve itself if we wait long enough? Did it really go away and solve the situation once and for all? Probably not…. It might have disappeared for a while only to rear its ugly head again some time later.
We all know this, yet we still keep doing it. Have you ever wondered why and asked yourself “What would happen if I faced my fear and had the conversation?” Facing the fear in this case is most likely to be the least obstacle to overcome. The harder one is to know how to hold a difficult conversation so that we don’t create conflict or/and bad feelings.
Does this sound familiar to you? I certainly can recall a number of such instances from my past, such as: A person very close to you has “betrayed” you by attending an event as a VIP that goes against everything that is important to you. The person decided to attend even though you had a conversation beforehand, letting them know how going to this event would betray you. Even though you left the choice to decide for themselves, you trusted their judgement and the value of your relationship that they would make the “right” decision.
Weeks on and through a coincidence you found out, that they attended and not only that, but actively took fully part in the dreaded activity! Blood boiling, disappointment, sadness and sleepless nights… all are emotions that followed: the person dear and close to you has chosen to act against all that you stand for!! Now, the point is not that they decided to attend, it is rather that they had been too cowardly to talk to you and let you know their reasons for doing it! An avoided difficult conversation that lead to another potential for an avoided difficult conversation and looming conflict – not a small one at that!!
There are some other examples with similar outcomes from the workplace in a project I was running and with one of my bosses. All this trouble because of a lack of a clear agreement in the first place, can you believe it? So what have I learnt from this?
These experiences have led me to create the following 10 steps, which give me a check list and safety net – some kind of an anchor – to remind me and stick to in order to use difficult conversations for what they are meant to be: an opportunity to de-escalate conflict; build trust and therefore the relationship; create an agreement and thus respect and gravitas.
In some cultures having a strong opinion or making a judgment is seen/perceived as a sign of confidence or power!! Some might argue that judging helps form opinions. Society teaches us to judge all the time through the media, fashion, politics and religion. From an early age we learn-know what is right and what is wrong and find our place in life accordingly, right?
How often, though, have you noticed that exactly this way of thinking is holding you back in your life, career and in relationships?
Let me give you a few examples:
In life: You enjoy travelling but simply never get to go to let’s say Egypt because someone hold you the people there are not very friendly and they threaten you.
In your career: You want to move up to your next role but the boss has listened to the judgment of someone they trust who said that you are not a team player.So he says you are not capable for the next role.
In a relationship: You are meeting a new colleague, who apparently (so you have heard) lives in a rough part of town and mixes with some unconventional people. Therefore, you automatically react to him with precaution and don’t offer the same level of trust you would otherwise, when meeting someone new.
We have lost opportunities in each of these instances such as: a new more exciting role, a friend who might have given me a new perspective or a holiday of a life time. That’s all well and good, I guess the question that we are asking ourselves is: “How do we get out of judging?”
Below is a process that I designed and my clients frequently use successfully to practise non-judgment. You might decide it is one that works for you also – enjoy. Remember that practise makes perfect! A shared journey is much more fun and getting some high quality feedback, when we practise is equally important to help us work out our personal best way of dealing with it. Please feel free to contact me for any questions you might have regarding the process below.
Have you ever realised or even been told, you need to say „NO” more often? I wonder how you found practising saying “NO” after that. Surely, you have gone and tried it on as soon as you have had the feedback or you realised, haven’t you?
Did you feel awkward and clumsy saying it? What did you experience after you said “NO”? How about the level of guilt? Strange reactions from people around you?
The thing is, we are being told to start saying “NO” more often but hardly anyone tells us how to do that! So off we go and we do just that and end up not getting the results we want. Why? How come?
I’ll give you an example: A fairly new inexperienced senior executive manager in a medium sized international organisation sits in a steering group meeting where he also is the sponsor of a project. During the meeting a number of issues relating to his project were raised and escalated. Despite the fact that these issues could mean the project is in danger of being ground to a halt this senior manager keeps avoiding and saying “NO” to taking responsibility to help solve the issues. The group finds this very disappointing as they ended up picking up all of his tasks.
After the meeting I spoke to the HR Manager, who also happened to be there. It turns out that the reason the executive kept saying “NO” was that he received feedback in a recent 360 degree feedback process about his habit of taking on too much work, undermining others by always saying yes and then not delivering taking their work away from them whilst trying to help.
So he had all good intentions of putting the feedback into practise, but wasn’t quite sure how to do it without upsetting others. How would you do it? Any ideas?
These are some things that would be helpful to avoid at all costs:
Now, below are some tips we collected over the years that seem to help make the transition and that you might find useful, when practising to say “NO”. Have fun and let us know how you get on with them.
Everyone knows how important trust in any relationship is, right? No doubt you trust your partners, don’t you? We all talk about it and assume it is something that just happens over time – correct?
The question is, how true is this statement? Does trust really just happen over time? How did you actually get to that level of trust in the first place? More importantly, what do you do to keep it or build on it?
Question after question on something so simple and yet we see so many people struggle so often with it. For example: have you ever had a situation where you wanted to pass on a piece of work or a responsibility and didn’t do it because you didn’t quite trust anyone to do it just as well as you or to the standards you wanted it to be?
There are clearly several reasons for our lack of trust in this example. They could be either of these:
What if – instead of all of the above, we simply say to ourselves: “I believe and trust in the integrity, professionalism, ability and reliability of my partner and the relationship we have.”
How would this perspective change your approach? From the experience of testing this out with a few clients, I found that the more we take on this view, the more trust we are prepared to give ourselves. I noticed: The more trust we give ourselves, the more important it became to the other person to not disappoint me and to do the best job they can possibly do. The same experience happens around behaviours. This in turn created trust in the other person towards me. So the story goes and the sooner we know it, we are on a see-saw of creating a wonderful relationship. From this space everything is possible:
Maintaining trust on the other hand requires some additional ingredients/qualities like standing by your word, investing time in the relationship, seeing/hearing/speaking with each other regularly and openness and honesty. Are you likely going to experience disappointing moments in a trusting relationship? Hell yeah! Of course you are – we are human beings and we are all here to learn and grow! No one is perfect – it is only in the eyes of the observer. Hey presto, within minutes another opportunity to create trust has presented itself!
So let’s make the most of enjoying the journey together. The question is: to trust or not to trust! What will you now choose?
Change is all around us... How do we cope with it?
2016 is coming to a close and with it a year of incredible amount of change. There was Brexit, the US vote and the Austrian Presidential vote to name just a few changes that we experienced.
To enable these massive external shifts to take place, people needed to make different choices than they did before. To make different choices, we usually get to a point of frustration – getting fed up with what is happening currently. We end up talking about it and still, most of the time, don’t see any changes. When might you have experienced such a dilemma? Can you remember what you did?
Changes appear everywhere – and all the time. The human race is part of the evolution and evolution is change! So let’s look at an example of change from an experience I had with one of my clients. To honour confidentiality let’s call the client Bridget for the purpose of the example.
Bridget is responsible for monitoring quality in a large production company. She does not manage people directly but is responsible to get the best quality from them that she can. Bridget has been with the organisation for over 10 years, starting out as administrative support all these years ago. She has seen and experienced a number of changes in her time there – in the organisation and also personally. During these times, the organisation has always provided a lot of security to the local people in the area as it is one of the biggest production companies there. So Bridget has seen quite a few of her friends and family join the company since she started there. The working climate has known to be comfortable and family orientated; everyone looks after each other.
Bridget always felt there was plenty of work and that the company did well for itself. She never really questioned it, as her salary was paid on time and jobs were relatively safe. Her typical day started at 9am in the morning and most of the time she was at home with the family just gone 4pm. Bridget knew her routine and when something changed her boss told her what needs to change.
In recent years, a couple more production companies have caught up with Bridget’s. Bridget felt that the client requirements seemed to have become very sophisticated compared to what they used to be. Demands on the people working in the company seem to have become too much. Bridget hears people moaning about working longer hours and not getting more money for it. There have also been quite a number of changes at the top of the company and no one seemed to have lasted! People started to feel a bit lost and unimportant. There were a lot of rumours circulating but no one really did something about it or asked questions to figure out what was going on. Instead people kept talking to each other and Bridget noticed that she was slowly also becoming a moaner... unhappy with the company. Not helping was the fact that Bridget, on top of the situation at work also experienced a tough time at home during that time! So spending quite a chunk of her time at work she also started to get frustrated.....
Why on earth don’t THEY up there do anything about this situation?
And then THEY did and got a new CEO in, who was very different from anything else the company has seen before! He asked people “what they would do” instead of telling them what they had to do!! Bridget and the people were very confused and didn’t know what to think of that. THEY should be telling them what to do - this is how it always had been!! Why on earth should the employees know what to do? After all, the bosses earn the money to tell the people what to do! Everyone was in SHOCK! There was a lot of DENIAL about the recent changes and people were gossiping a lot, biding their time and keeping their heads down. Then after a while, when they realised that the changes were going to be implemented, people became ANGRY. Who on earth do they think they are? Our company was so great and now they are destroying it all with their new ways! We have always been successful in the past with what we did, so why do they want to change what is working?
With the changes in the company, pitfalls and performance barriers were being uncovered, which caused people to start to BLAME each other for the mistakes made. “This is not my responsibility...” was what Bridget heard a lot of the time. After a while, Bridget became fed up with the blame game. Things were not moving at home and here at work the same thing was happening! What is going on? Why is this happening to Bridget now? Bridget starts to BLAME HERSELF. She was very CONFUSED and felt really lost!
After a taking some time out one weekend to reflect, Bridget decided that she wanted to take back control of her life. On thinking how she could do this she began to ACCEPT the situation for what it was. As soon as she fully accepted the current reality her head began to free up, her mood changed from a heavy load to an exciting, light feeling. She decided she wanted to find out more about the change and found someone she trusted amongst her bosses.
They agreed that it would make sense for them to meet regularly. At home she did the same and started to talk to her family openly about the problems – collecting all the facts. Bridget had thousands of thoughts racing through her mind! Many, many options of what she could do... she was a bit overwhelmed.
In the meetings with her boss, he shared that he experienced situations like this in the past. So Bridget asked how he moved himself on towards his goals. The tip she got was to find someone who can help her to crystallise her goals and then keeps holding her accountable for achieving those aims.
This is what Bridget did and after getting in contact with me, together we PLANNED THE ACTIONS. Over the next 6 months I kept asking her about her progress, we worked on using her strengths appropriately and worked out strategies that created a mind set to achieve everything that Bridget wanted.
The strange thing that Bridget noticed was that people around her started to respond to her own change of mind. With that the conversations became positive and uplifting again and the PERFORMANCE was ENHANCED. The results started to turn up and Bridget became a real dynamo within the organisation. She had masses of energy and inspired her family and colleagues.
Bridget just received news of a promotion, offering her a new role starting from the 1st of January, which will also impact her family life in a very positive way and she is over the moon! She experienced how gratifying it is to take control of your own destiny and grow as a person and in her career as a result of change!
Recently, I have noticed that the following topics keep popping up as challenges for clients in quite a few of my coaching sessions:
All of these three points are holding people back from becoming the best they can be. Let us take a closer look at the underlying motivations behind these aspects. Whilst doing so, we might gain an understanding about who we would be without holding on to these three beliefs.
Think about a situation in your life that, thinking about it now, has triggered the feeling of shame in you. Perhaps this was a situation where someone had an expectation of you to behave in a particular way. When the situation happened you totally "misbehaved" and you felt like others thought bad of you as a result.
This happened to one of my clients, who went to an office do and instead of being all grown up and business like, decided on the day to get up for a karaoke sing and dance. Another client example was where this person freely and passionately admitted to a colleague how much they fancied their boss without realising they are stood behind them, when they actually wanted to say how much they admire their style of leadership! Another again was in a client meeting and didn't want to admit that he wasn't sure what the client was actually talking about out.
What from your own experiences came to your mind just then? Can you remember how you dealt with such a situation then? If you are anything like most of us, then you probably turned around, did as if nothing happened and carried on as normal, right? That is because the feeling of shame is underpinned by fear, particularly fear of self-exposure. Deep down we all have a need to belong. With that in mind, we discover that it is important after all, what other people think of us and to "fit in". So what's happening when we would want to be seen to cope, to be seen as competent and strong, to impress with a resourcefulness or knowledge?
Above all, we live in a society that is striving for more, where self worth is coming from what others think about us. So we keep wanting more that we have just achieved, more than just invented, just bought, just earned, just loved...for example a better car, a bigger house, more intense love, more beauty or even youth, a bigger job, more money, more expensive clothes and assets, more and better holidays... more and better of everything, bigger and better!! On we go and get on that hamster wheel, in which no weaknesses are tolerated.... Perfection and achievement becomes our mantra until we find out we have all. But..... with which kind of meaning?
This is when we sometimes hear people say: Now I have my master title, my shiny new car, my new house, my designer gear, my posh title etc...., but somehow I still don't get any respect from people or s/he is being disrespectful, but I have no power because s/he is the boss....or....I don't agree but it is not my place to say anything.... s/he has een obnoxious but who am I to get involved.... if I admit that I made this mistake then s/he will think I am complete numpty... I can't be honest with her/him, she is my best friend and might think I am not good enough to be her/his friend.
Everything that matters to us in the examples above is on the outside of ourselves. It's almost like wearing a mask at all times. Exhausting really, isn't it? Imagine for a moment losing all of this external gratification, who would they be? Would they be feeling just as strong as they did with the external gratification - or is it the opposite and you feel very lost? Where is the self worth?
All of a sudden we then experience a feeling of high vulnerability and don't know how to get off the hamster wheel that according to research (Brenê Brown, Blinkist, Vulnerability) disengages ourselves and others around us, hampers relationships, hides opportunities from us and disables innovation and creativity.
How would it be if we were to embrace this feeling of vulnerability and acknowledge its existence? It is a risk of course, particularly since we cannot overcome vulnerability. We can merely mask it with behaviour just like shown in the examples above, by numbing ourselves with strategies such as perfectionism and satisfying external agendas.
So in order to embrace vulnerability and with it forge strong relationships, open the space for innovation and creativity, improve performance and gain charisma, it requires us to practise the following four behaviours:
Practising these behaviours will allow us over time to become satisfied with who and what we are on the inside as well as with what life have in store for us. It takes incredible courage to show vulnerability but the rewards are invaluably satisfying.
Just imagine how life would be different for you if you were to make yourself vulnerable in your personal relationship for example? What will change? Are you willing to give it a go? I can only recommend this way of living and I have witnessed personal and professional relationships develop into a bond of trust that weathered all uncertainty and change whilst enriching the lives of all parties involved through increased authenticity, meaningless, with massive growth and innovation opportunities.
Most of us want to reach our full potential, which means at some stage there are some things that you will want to change from what you are doing now. These things are highly likely to be habitual things. Things you have practised so well that you might not even notice them anymore.
Here are 3 simple steps you might find useful in helping you achieve this transformation:
Each of these steps are explored further below.
“People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don’t believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and are looking for the circumstances they want, and: if they can’t find them create them. ”
George Bernhard Shaw
Identify what you do and think automatically when you want to avoid the pain of what you don’t want to do. You are becoming aware of your behaviours and the connected thinking.
It is crucial to raise our level of self-awareness around these specific habits. Why? Because we forget that we are on autopilot and that means we no longer control these habits. Instead, they control us!!
Someone with self-awareness for example might notice that every time their boss calls for a review meeting some urgent client problem appears and they end up cancelling the review. They notice that this might not be a coincidence.
We avoid pain through distraction – books, phone calls, games, videos, pleasantries, food alcohol, nicotine, sport etc. all this to stay in our “harmony bubble” of ALL IS WELL!!
There is a lot to be said about positive psychology, but to apply it purposefully we firstly have to be sure that we are choosing the distractions and so that the distractions don’t choose us. Driving the car down the motorway and not realising where we are, might be a great example of a distraction choosing us.
Sometimes we pretend to be passionate about something when truly deep down it is simply about a fear we have. Take sport: How many people do you know that proclaim to have a passion for sport, when the real driver is the fear of gaining weight? There really is no judgment in noticing these things, it is merely an observation. This is the first level of self-awareness which is a simple understanding where your mind goes and when. Noticing what your habits actually are in daily life and what effect these have on our quality of life.
For example you might have:
Generally, human beings innately avoid pain through distractions. Everybody wants an easy life, don’t they? So we go on and distract ourselves with social media, the news, TV computer games or music to carry us into a painless world.
And that is great – as long as we are choosing them and they don’t choose us! A bit like driving down the motorway not noticing where we are – so disconnecting from the pain of the long drive. Yet we think we are present most of the time, know how we are using our time or think we are better listeners than we actually are. In reality we are all pretty bad at it.
Gaining an understanding of the impact of this behaviour and deciding what we might want to change and for what purpose.
So here is the question: When are you checking out mentally and why? How much do you think you do out of compulsion? Find out what paths your mind likes to take and don’t judge it – just observe. Go and write them down somewhere, all of them that come up.
Once you have these observations we move on to level 2 of self-awareness and this is finding out what we are feeling when these things happen. Correct, this means facing our emotions head on, because the more we move away from distraction, the more we are forced to deal with lost emotions.
This is where YOU start to show up and shine in your full glory and all your personality.
Whilst in level 1 we mainly follow directions and distract ourselves, here in this level, we experience our individual emotions and how we express them. An uncomfortable place, BUT immensely important to navigate and become familiar with, to allow them to take place and then move on to level 3 of self-awareness.
Because if we do, we find out that emotions essentially don’t mean anything other than the meaning we give it.
Think about it… i.e. a situation at work: a colleague that you don’t particularly like asks some other colleagues that actually sit near you to lunch, but he does not ask you. You feel anger rising in you thinking: typically, he is such a tw..t: He invites everyone else but me just to be spiteful and rub it in my face!!
Here is the question: How true is this really? Did we get from one into another emotion spiralling ourselves into our own inner head cinema by making up this story in our head that he did what he did to be spiteful? Stepping away and watching this same scenario through a camera, what do we see?
There is an interesting story from 16th century India that might help us realise some of the inherent myths we all get into: A young man climbs a large mountain to speak to the sage at the top. Supposedly this sage knew, like, everything and stuff. This young man was anxious to understand the secrets of the world.
Upon arriving at the top of the mountain, the sage greeted the young man and invited him to ask him anything. The young man then asked: “Great sage, we stand upon the world, but what does the world stand upon?
The sage immediately replied, “The world rests upon the back of a number of great elephants.”
The young man thought for a moment and then asked, “Yes, but what do the elephants stand upon?”
The sage replied again, without hesitation, “The elephants rest upon the back of a great turtle.”
The young man, still not satisfied asked, “Yes, but what does the great turtle rest upon?”
The sage replied, “It rests upon an even greater turtle.”
The young man, growing frustrated, began to ask, “But what does-“
“No, no,” the sage interrupted, “stop there – it is turtles all the way down.”
Too much navel gazing spirals us into helplessness – it is turtles all the way down! We know that it is helpful to look at layers of intention, purpose and intention until we get to a point where we start repeating ourselves.
This is the point where we ask ourselves: What is the automated habit here that stops me from finding a solution? Will this particular habit help me improve my quality of life / work / job?
Remember this: If new know our weaknesses they stop being weaknesses.
...and practise the behaviour that goes with it as often as you can in your day to day. Align it as appropriate along the way.
The truth is only the truth until one person telling the story stops! The moment someone else looks at the same story, the previous truth changes and gets altered by the reality of the next person. So our truth may no longer apply, no matter how strongly we believe it to be.
Here are some tips that help with accepting oneself and to understand the biases and irrational mechanism that drive the internal flaws in order to change habits that no longer serve us:
It might at first make you a little bit disgruntled with yourself. This is what it is. Research shows that self-awareness does not automatically make us happier, it rather makes some people more miserable. This is because of self-judgment kicking in, which means, all of a sudden we become aware of how others might think or even judge us.
Here we are at discovering our “blind spots”, things that other people might see but we don’t, as the Johari Window describes as information that is in the public domain but not in your personal one.
Plato said: All evil is rooted in ignorance!
Point well made, because: if I am not aware or ignore my “evil” side, it cannot cause me any pain! It just means this person is unaware of the irrationality, derangement, insensitivity of their own thoughts. These are often borne out of irrational beliefs and impossible assumptions they learnt to design to protect themselves from the pain – therefore an automated distraction.
Before we can become truly empathetic, only accepting the flaws of our own emotions and own mind will allow us to accept these of others. Then we are able to show the all important ingredient for trust: compassion. As long as we distract and numb ourselves, put a blind eye to our faults we will look for ways to manipulate, change or accuse others in our relationships to be a person they are not. These kind of relationships ultimately fail and are toxic, creating blame and conflict around us.
So here is to exciting discovery!!
The strength of the Chameleon is that it can adapt itself to its environment by camouflaging. If only it would be that easy for us human beings, don't you think?
Well, believe it or not - it is!
My observations over recent months is a sense of overwhelm and imbalance are affecting quite a few people. Often I see this resulting in choices made on a day to day basis that might be responsible for the exhaustion and confusion felt. Choices, such as: not taking a lunch break, or not going for a walk or continuously working long hours, affect our health in a negative way. There seems to be an awareness about this happening. Somehow, we are waiting for something on the outside to change or other priorities and guilt often get in the way of doing something about behaviour which is no longer effective. Often I hear: “oh this is just a busy period right now, it’ll be ok once project xyz is finished.”
These times require us to be able to show some of this ultra-flexibility to change our behaviours thoughts and looks, even camouflage, so that we can stay effective and well.
This topic might bring up a few thoughts in you. It certainly did for me and in the process of doing so, I have explored the elements that might bring about overwhelm and barriers to adapt behaviours. The ultimate intention was to find a way of working through these barriers. I named the result of this process The Chameleon Method.
You are probably wondering how I became so interested in this topic. Let me elaborate a bit:
Since the beginning of lockdown I noticed an increased sense of work ethic in the people around me. Not necessarily more effective but perhaps, on the face of it, more efficient. Are you wondering what the difference between efficiency and effectiveness is? Ok, for example: workers on a production line need to be fast and get as many items as possible done in their given time. That is efficiency – getting as much as possible done in a period of time. If this worker on the line also undertakes quality control, loves what they are doing and has a great personal attitude, as well as bringing in some great new ideas, which means they are having impact on the long term success of the company, then they are also being effective.
Now, you could argue that this observation might have occurred due to the fact that my own state during that period time was one of recovery, which meant that I was in slow mode. The opposite state of what I noticed on the outside.
Most of the people I talk to seem to feel exhausted, overloaded and overwhelmed with the changes that COVID 19 has brought. I am thinking of things like home working, home schooling, wearing masks, online shopping, increased work load, learning new technology by yourself, getting comfortable with building connections through the lens, not going out or socialising in the known way and most of all not being able to see and hug loved ones just to name a few. I totally empathise with these feelings and despite my different state, I still recognise the challenges and feelings it creates.
To me, the jungle springs to mind as a comparable metaphor. Navigating a way through it and getting stuck in the wilderness of the jungle without seeing a way out. The humidity of the thick jungle or rainforest does not even allow us to see the next tree. So we just keep on frantically putting one foot in front of the other in order to move forward, fulfil the immediate needs of the people precious to us (family, friends, colleagues and clients) and keep up with the pace. Sweating (metaphorically), getting tired, feeling desperate to use all of our strengths and find a way out, while sticking out like a sore thumb. We realise that what we are doing is actually not effective and it is making us sick. Despite that realisation we keep on going.
Why? Because deep down we know: in order to stay healthy and become more effective in finding a way through this jungle, we have to change our outlook, choices and actions. Just like a chameleon does, to protect itself and stay alive.
Knowing this is one thing, and most of you do, but when we actually attempt to make those changes we often get lost, procrastinate or simply forget. What I found out is that the root cause for these barriers to come up is often a feeling of guilt, a sense of being selfish, almost naughty and worry about disappointing others. Thus not feeling a valid part of our systems or society.
On first view, a complex construct, just like the jungle. However, if we care to open our eyes and look at the jungle with curiosity and genuine interest, we begin to see its beauty, its great role on earth and discover many ways through the wilderness. Quite a vulnerable state, I know! However, it is the first step in realising how easy it really is….
Below, I have delved a little deeper into guilt and what it actually is, to help us understand how it can show up. With the purpose of recognising that we are lost in the jungle and help us decide what we want to do with it. If you are clear on this already, then please continue to read the summary in point three.
The psychological definition of Guilt describes a sense of regret or responsibility that relates to actions taken. People may feel guilt over things they actually did wrong, things they believe were their fault, or things they had no responsibility for.
Psychology today says:
Guilt is aversive and—like shame, embarrassment, or pride—has been described as a self-conscious emotion, involving reflection on oneself. People may feel guilt for a variety of reasons, including acts they have committed (or think that they committed), a failure to do something they should have done, or thoughts that they think are morally wrong.
It is also known as a responsibility for having done something wrong and especially something against the law: He admitted his guilt. A feeling of shame or regret as a result of bad conduct. Other Words from guilt.
Guilt is a feeling you get when you did something wrong, or perceived you did something wrong. It is often confused with Shame, which is a feeling that your whole self is wrong, and it may not be related to a specific behaviour or event.
It shows up as a natural emotion following an action.
For example:
According to the latest research from Fibre One, there’s not much we don’t feel guilty about.
Aside from the 16 per cent who claim not to feel guilty about ANYTHING, it seems Britain is a nation racked with guilt on a daily basis. Our feelings of guilt don’t subside for up to five hours on some occasions.
As well as wasting the day with guilty feelings, excessive guilt could be having impacts on your mental wellbeing, suggests Personality and Behaviour Psychologist Donna Dawson. She said: “It can eat away at wellbeing and self-esteem, by making you feel like a ‘bad’ person.
Guilt is rooted in the makeup of the filters in our brain.
These filters are established during our developmental years and stem from experiences, the rules of the society we live in (doing things “perfectly and right”), religious believes, what we are taught in our educational systems, what we learn from our family systems and the values we have established when we decided on who we want to show up as in this period of our life.
The consequences of guilt show up in a variety of daily situations with varying degrees of intensity. They might be positive or negative.
Examples are: performance issues at work or sports, overwhelm with setting the “right” priorities, health issues like isolation, loss of confidence, self-deprivation through to depression.
This encourages social attitude towards affirmative actions, creates empathy and accountability and acts as a motivator.
We know of a variety of guilt categories. Some of these are:
This is strongly connected with peer pressure meaning it turns up for example if we don’t comply with the behaviours or standards of a group that we belong to.
Bertjan Doosje has written a number of articles around this topic showing how peer pressure creates a level of guilt and what effects this has on a person. These effects are both positive and negative.
This kind of built turns up in highly competitive situations. Or sometimes also in families when adults feel that they have to earn a particular amount of money in order to survive and if they don’t achieve that the survivor guilt (existential fears) set in.
Joel Brockner Jeanette Davy Carolyn Carter have conducted some research around this topic if you are interested in finding out more about this particular type.
This is all about work-life balance and living up to ones own and the family’s expectations. For example mothers going out to work and not spending enough time with their children.Work-family guilt may motivate mothers to comply with gender norms in which they prioritize caregiving tasks over their work. Working long hour thus not being able to dedicate sufficient time to their partner.
A study by Lianne Aarntzen, Belle Derks, Elianne van Steenbergen, Michelle Ryan, Tanja van der Lippe explores this topic further.
This could be related to of harming others, shame, and various measures of psychological distress and symptoms.
It can also act as a positive motivator that allows people to create a certain desired culture in terms of behaviours within a society. This is mainly the type that is created through our educational systems, religious beliefs and cultural norms we grow up in.
Lynn E. O'Connor, Jack W. Berry and Joseph Weiss have conducted further research into this particular type with a focus around the positive consequences of guilt as opposed to shame.
The question that is most prominent to this type of guilt is: Can collectives feel guilt with respect to what they have done?
A great example of this would be how the certain generations in Germany and Austria might feel a personal and collective guilt over the killings that happened during the second world war.
Collective guilt feelings are articulated, in a way that they involve a joint commitment to feel guilt as a body. The parties to a joint commitment of the kind in question may as a result find themselves experiencing ``pangs'' of the kind associated with personal and membership guilt feelings.
Further reading is available in The Journal of Ethics volume 6, pages115–143 (2002) by Margaret Gilbert titled: Collective Guilt and Collective Guilt Feelings
From the above extracts it becomes clear very quickly that Guilt also has its uses and benefits.
A model to help align thinking and behaviour, even to the point of camouflage, to be effective and cope with the demands of the jungle we currently live in. The method helps decide on changes and to implement them thus allowing to adapt just as easily as a chameleon to its environment.
Essentially, this article highlights one of the most impactful reasons and underlying root issue of finding our way out of the jungle which we are currently living in. It is mainly driven by an underlying feeling of guilt. There are of course other elements that run alongside such as vulnerability and being prepared to stay fully present in the situations we find ourselves in. These elements were already discussed in other articles in my newsletter series.
The Chameleon Method comes in two parts with 4 steps. The first two (Stuck in the Jungle and Guilt: what Guilt) covered here help us identify what is causing our overwhelm, procrastination and inaction to changes of our make-up.
The latter two steps are (Resilience and Healthy Selfishness - a term coined by my lovely coach Katie) tools to help you find your path through this wilderness. You’ll find pointers to these elements in the next sections of this summer’s newsletter and previous issues.
If you find this article I am referring to elsewhere, independent from my newsletter, then please feel free to contact me or visit www.consulting4resolution.com where you will find a copy of the newsletter.
How are you fairing with the insecurities of our times? The media is full of news about the breakdown of financial markets, relationship dramas, break down of political frames (like the EU), and even tornados that turn up in unusual places!!
In times like this we often tend to forget that change and ambiguity always have been part of our existence, a simple example of this are the four seasons in nature. Some years ago I created a growth cycle that deal with this ambiguity based on the four seasons. It has been created to help us recognise where in the cycle we are at any point in time so that we can trust in the process and the unknown simply by recognising this natural authentic next stage. With this frame in mind, it becomes much easier to go with it. After all it is this very "normal" evolutionary process, which allows us to utilise our full personal power and talent.
The moment we recognise this truth, the possibility of utilising the ambiguous power of our full personal strength becomes available to us. I can’t wait to hear how you are able to use this cycle of growth for yourself in everyday life. I am looking forward to receiving your thoughts about it – send them here.
Given the current situation in our external world, I thought it might be stimulating to share a short story about a very lucky lady. A lady who had a new heart. In a pandemic world. The lucky bit is that somewhere out there, an inspiring soul had donated their organ at their own will to save someone else’s life.
This story is not only meant to highlight the importance of organ donation. It also is a tribute to modern medicine and some incredibly talented, caring and gifted professionals. Apart from that, it might just help to put things that are happening in this world into perspective and give you some thoughts on how to pull through these challenging times.
Once upon a time….
…there was a young lady who lived life to the full. Enjoying the beauty of this world with all it could offer. Until one day, she gradually started to become unwell and lost all her zest.
Following extensive investigations it turns out that her heart had been working so hard to give all the love it could, that it had started to wear out and break.
For years, she carried on living her life as much as she could but it was all very hard work and limited. Doctors tried to get the situation under control with traditional medical treatment. Unfortunately, one day her cardiologist turned around and said that it might be time to start thinking about replacing her own heart with a donor heart. The young lady was really not sure what to make of this. It took her a long time to research what this would mean and think about what she really wanted.
She had been very happy with who she was, her life and what she had achieved. She had a wonderful, independent family and loving relationship. They all were living their lives quite happily. So she figured, like everything in life, there is an end to everything. And what was meant to be, was what will be…
This was driving her thinking away from having the operation. Her cardiologist begged her not to throw away her life and asked her to at least go for an assessment at the transplant hospital to which he had referred her. His ethical responsibility as a doctor and his respect for the young lady made him refer her to the transplant hospital that he thought was the best choice. He made her promise to take the appointment and listen to what they have to say.
So the young lady did exactly that. She had all the tests done, met the team and spoke to some people who have received and also who have decided to donate an organ one day.
The people she met and all the information made her feel extremely humbled. Humbled about the compassion and kindness of her fellow beings. Also humbled about the advances in technology, the incredible commitment, talent and greatness of the transplant team. These people saved lives every day. They treated her like she was one of their family members, with a sincerity that felt so honest and caring. She came away from these experiences with quite a different perspective and a newly found strength. Still not totally convinced but a long way towards making a decision.
Until one day, when she talked with her loved ones about what might be if she didn’t proceed with the operation. That’s when the young lady realised that she had been thinking very selfishly. It turns out that there were quite a few things that she could still find purpose that might contribute to the greater good of society and therefore have a meaning for her continued being.
That’s when she decided to go for the operation. Low and behold it all happened very quickly. The journey to recovery was not easy with many hurdles to overcome. She knew when she made the decision to go for it that transplant life was always going to be an unpredictable journey. There is no certainty and many risks. A bit like COVID 19 really or a recession as such…..
Her family, friends and support were all there for her, which overwhelmed her often feeling humbled and filled her with gratitude. They just were there sharing their love and that was incredibly powerful.
Every second of the day offers a new chance. A new chance to see the world in all of it’s beauty with gratitude. A new chance to redeem the compassion, empathy, love and care that she has received throughout her journey and give back, sharing her experiences to help others be the best they can be to make this world and its’ people a happier place.
She learned that despite the adversities and the challenges, that she could trust things to work out in the way they are meant to. As long as she kept working on her own mindset, self-awareness and evolution at the same time. Recognising the need for mental stimulation, resilience, healthy eating, energy work and exercise.
Are you now wondering how this year has restored my faith in human mankind?
This has only been possible because someone decided, out of the good of their heart, to leave a legacy behind by donating their organs.
Then you get people that create Trusts, who believe in the power of medicine, science and development, who want to give back and allow experts to dedicate their lives to saving others live’s. All the hard work from NHS key workers who tirelessly give all they have day in day out made this possible.
Without these great acts of human generosity this story would have ended a long, long time ago.
If this isn’t enough reason for me to find restored faith in human kind, then what does, I wonder.
I wonder: What will you take away from this little story to master these challenging times for yourself and your loved ones?
Isn't it amazing that 2020 is nearly over? To me it seems like it has gone by much faster than usual, despite all the COVID 19 restrictions. It makes me wonder how on earth we got ourselves into this situation?
In today’s article I will be exploring:
So if you are interested in joining an exchange on this topic and getting inspired to rebuild your trust in what is then please do email me with your thoughts.
What happened?
We looked at this in detail in the last newsletter, so I won’t go into the story about it again. We clearly identified that it is an accumulation of evolution and ambition striving to efficiency that let us forget the big picture and how much we are all connected with nature, the universe and environment.
In our euphoria of creating something truly awesome, we obviously forgot to ask ourselves: How will all this development and creation impact the systems we are connected to: nature, the universe and the environment we live in? We seem to be infringing on the environment, getting too close to nature, using too many resources in unequal measures. In the case of COVID this was the new virus. I don’t see this changing in the future unless we start to change our thinking and approach.
Why should we bother changing our thinking though?
Why should we go through all the trouble and hard work to rethink? Rethink what anyway?
In the past, economies and societies were mainly focussed on the primary gain. Shareholder value, profits, fulfilling one’s desires, making the world a richer place. I am convinced we ultimately do this with the intention of pursuing happiness and abundance.
What we might not have given much thought in the past is the cost of this happening. Also, this kind of approach usually leads to a more short term gain. Sustainability on a long term basis is therefore out of the picture unless it happens as a side product.
A recent visit to a shop is a good example of why it is worth changing the way of thinking. A little greengrocer down the road has managed to survive this difficult year. I always go there because I like to support small local businesses and also buy organic products. The lady at the counter looked a bit sad, which is something I see regularly in people’s faces as well in this current climate. Many worry about the health of their loved ones or even struggle to live their lives.
So I engaged in a conversation with her, as you do…. I asked her if she is cold and mentioned, how good I thought it was that they are open. The lady said, “that’s nice of you but this doesn’t really affect me. My manager will be happy. I merely get paid by the hour.” To which I responded: “Hmm, thank goodness that the shop is open and making money to pay your hourly rate. I guess otherwise, you might not have that either nor a job.” She looked at me with big eyes for a moment and then said: I suppose so, hadn’t thought of it like that….
What did we learn?
No matter from which perspective we look at it, as a company, as a consumer, as an employee or as the owner, we are all interconnected with each other. It is what we call the ripple effect.
If we keep thinking within our little box without considering the impact of our actions and thinking about the wider system that we are part of, then the destruction continues regardless.
Thinking in system terms, is something we are not so used to, so it’ll take us a little practice. It also is a challenge in terms of profits, as they are not always immediately visible, tangible or even returnable. Profits might also not show up as figures and in monetary terms. They might show up in terms of value, contribution, societal advancement and wellbeing.
There is a simple question we can ask ourselves – in our professional and personal lives:
What impact do my daily actions and thinking have on the people and living beings around me?
If all we do every night is reflect on this question and start incorporating other people in our considerations, then that is enough to move a mountain.
How’s that going to make a difference?
Just imagine for a moment what place the world would be, if everyone supported each other and looked after each other’s wel-being, instead of focussing solely on gaining individual wealth and power.
What picture do you see? This has nothing to do with being woolly and lovey dovey. Compassion, empathy, sustainable thinking, supporting each other, collaborating and creating together are some of the most cruicial human traits for the survival of our planet, economy and humanity.
Are you wondering how this year has restored my faith in human mankind?
By noticing what is going on outside over the years and then reflecting on my own behaviour and actions, has led me to change some of my own approach. Admittedly, it has been a long old process but it works.
What I started to see all around me and also in my coaching world, is that people start to care and move in the same direction. There are an awful lot of amazing, compassionate, kind and incredibly talented heros out there that at the same time as living their genius, are also displaying these cruicial traits.
That’s what has restored my belief in mankind. The genuineness, volunerability and generosity I see all around me. This makes living joyful, happy and fulfilled. Exactly what life should be: The pursuit of happiness is on the way!
Here’s to an inspiring and exciting exploration!
Now that the first wave of the pandemic has been declared as being over, people all over the world are beginning to navigate the journey to a new normal.
Let me ask you a couple of questions:
I have reflected on what this might look like and how we got here.
The journey so far
To get here we have travelled quite a distance. First, in 2008, there was the global financial crisis which shook up a lot of systems and organisations. Then, in 2016 the whole BREXIT debacle started. No one I know imagined even I their wildest dreams that the UK might be brave enough to consider leaving the EU.
Now, in 2020, COVID has arrived – another global disaster. Or is it?
What are you noticing, when you look for pattern in each of these events? Personally, I can’t help but recognise the global impact of each of these events. That’s quite staggering, don’t you think?
Many years ago I read a book by Diana Cooper in which she mentions that the years between 2008 and 2030 will be years of realignment. The book gives the reasoning behind how she arrives at this bold statement and it is an interesting read.
Reflecting on the last 12 years and taking Diana’s statement into consideration I find a strong resonance between what has been happening and this expression of realignment. The realignment might occur on a number of levels such as the global economy, the political systems, the environment, the consciousness of humanity living on mother earth and indeed mother earth itself. As with any realignment, entropy usually is the first and last step in the process. Entropy lies at the heart of all creation. Out of entropy new innovations and systems can be created. None of this can happen in isolation and all of it has a ripple effect., just like the ripples streaming out from throwing a pebble into the sea or pond. Neither is it individual, instead it is connected and dependable on all of its elements.
What is the relevance of looking at the journey to today and its impact in such detail?
Why is NOW such a great opportunity?
Well, if we look we might realise that we find ourselves in exactly this position of recreation – a massive opportunity for each of us, society and mankind as a whole.
You might think I’ve gone slightly mad here. In such times of hardship to even contemplate opportunity seems frivolous and inhumane, but is it?
The opportunity is the chance to re-evaluate and adjust our values, our contributions, our role within the systems we operate in as well as the impact we as individuals have on the environment and the systems. Vast potential to use our creativity, connectedness, compassion and ability to adjust to create happiness, abundance and health for us all, our businesses and this planet. Though it does require us all to adjust, learn and adopt.
What then, is this “new normal”?
It feels like this new normal is full of uncertainty, volatility, possibility and adaptability. Quite uncomfortable on first view compared to what we have been used to but also extremely rewarding and exciting as it offers the freedom of innovation and creation.
How on earth will we be able to deal with it?
Based on what has been said so far it seems that the new normal is called chaos instead of routine. Chaos in an inspiring freeing way.
Many of us have found the lock down extremely challenging, whilst for others it was a wonderful window to find themselves again. We all adjusted and got used to it to some degree, found other ways.
One of the revelations is how important connection with others is for all of us. Social interaction, time with family, friends, colleagues and similar support systems it seems are the staple of physical and mental health.
Here are my key tips which will equip us for the new normal of constant change:
There is no right or wrong in the new normal, but there are always grey zones and new perspectives.
“No (wo)man is an island” John Donne said already in the 17th century as he compared people with countries. He discussed the connection of mankind with all creation.
This is very appropriate for these challenging times as well. Therefore, we might consider the new normal as an opportunity to recreate and take accountability for the future we want to have.
